Great listeners allow you to work things out and chip away at something you might not reach as quickly (or ever) on your own. They are patient bearers of conversation epiphanies: talking to them teaches you something new about yourself and the way the world works, every time. (It’s no wonder talk therapy is so popular.) Their earnest listening makes you feel great about the conversation, too - it’s clear that your insights and opinions are genuinely valued and appreciated.
I wanted to bring more of that to my conversations. Here’s what I learned in my quest to listen better and harder last month.
How to be a better listener: 8 steps
1. Be comfortable with silence. Humans instinctively want to fill silence and close gaps in conversation, but part of being a good listener means getting comfortable with that silence and ignoring the pressure to fill the void.
Why is this important? Some people process their thoughts internally, but many people process out loud: waiting a beat gives your conversation partner a chance to simultaneously think and talk through whatever they’re working on. If you give them an opening and they don’t pick up the thread, carry on; there’s no need for you both to sit in silence. But do give them that option first.
2. Stop multi-tasking. Doing your dishes, filing papers and clearing clutter, painting your nails, or somehow other occupying your time while talking to someone else are all roadblocks to listening well. If you want to
truly engage with someone, focus on them and them alone. Show that you’re listening by making eye contact, opening your body language, and giving signs of encouragement throughout the conversation. Over the phone,
smile.
3. Repeat what the other person has said. This does not mean you should parrot your conversation partner and repeat everything they say. Instead, reaffirm key points you’ve understood: this shows you are invested in understanding the other person’s point of view, and also allows the other person to clarify and refine their story where necessary.
4. Listen for what hasn’t been said. Past history, previous personal experiences - consider how your conversation partner’s life context informs the story being shared with you. Listen for perspectives both stated and implied. Try and understand why and how they think the way they do. If you’re not sure, ask.
5. Ask good questions. Your mission is to put the other person first: ask good questions that engage with your partner’s story and help them express themselves more fully. Try not to lead or judge in these questions; look for open-ended questions instead. These allow you to dig a level deeper, and show you are actively committed to understanding their story.
6. Let the moment pass. Often when other people tell their stories it reminds us of a story we want to share immediately. Tempting though it may be, try not interject with your version of the tale: trust that a good story will return, when the time is right.
Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean waiting to pounce with your story as soon as your conversation partner finishes speaking: the point is not to think ahead. Listen to their story without anticipating the telling of yours. Be aware of thoughts and stories that arise, then let them pass.
7. Don’t change the subject. People start conversations to work through ideas and challenges they can’t work through alone. Unless your conversation partner redirects the conversation, assume that changing the subject means cutting a topic short, and skirting the goal of arriving at a conclusion. Don’t divert a fruitful discussion to follow a tangent.
8. Except...Know when to change the subject. Some discussions just don’t go anywhere productive. If a conversation is going off track, wait for an opening, then reel it in. Ask summarizing questions to redirect the conversation back to its original thread, or make pointed suggestions to return to an earlier point. Be kind, but firm. Chances are your conversation partner will be grateful: as speakers, we often don’t realize how far down the rabbit hole we’ve stumbled until someone reaches out to guide us back.
The same goes for conversations that have reached a repetitive note - if you can now anticipate what the other person will say, it's fine to gracefully interrupt to reach a more productive stage of the conversation.
With these steps in mind, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a better listener. Just remember not to run through this checklist during your conversations: you can do that afterwards. In the moment, stay focused. Mastering the art of listening isn’t about you at all: really, it’s about the other person.
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